I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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