So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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