Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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