And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
