ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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