Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
