i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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