yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
