last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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