Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
