sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
