Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
