Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
