My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
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Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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