weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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