It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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