and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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