Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
