onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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