She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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