Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
