it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
