U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
