Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
