i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
