chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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