The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
