Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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