Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
