I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
