Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
