things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
