Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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