so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
