I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
