My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
