You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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