He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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