I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And then he peed in my hair
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