glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
