My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
