Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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