So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
