remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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