How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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