So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
