its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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