I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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