I am spending my child support on dildos
i just made my gag reflex go away.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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