my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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