you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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