the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
