So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I will pee on everything he values.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
