Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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