You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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