Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
