Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
